Myriad Tales

Week 52.5

2012-01-15T22:20:00.001-08:00

The week passed swiftly but not without the lack of sleep due to the change of schedule and house chores to complete. Everything went smoothly as well and went back safe and sound.

There’s no place like home…

Thoughts 45

2012-01-07T22:11:00.001-08:00

Not everyone gets it right the first time. Sometimes you have to make a few wrong turns before turning in to the right one….

Thoughts 44

2012-01-07T22:06:00.001-08:00

What was once lost shall be found, in time…

Week 51.5

2012-01-07T06:41:00.001-08:00

1st January 2012

My first time ever writing this date on this day and it didn’t feel strange at all. In fact, days before I’ve already almost written 2012. Looking forward to what’s ahead of me, perhaps. An inspiring quote I came across before I slept last night and thought I would share it

“Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together ” – marcandangel

Any new year resolution?? I figured I’ll stick this one out for this time and let things come what may. BRING IT!! (a little too soon to be saying it when it’s only the first day of the year)

6th January 2012

Oh yes, a little ambitious a little too soon. One could not help but try her luck right? So here’s what I noticed, I have the tendency to wanna do things that occasionally gets disapproval from the parents. And yet some of them I still did, others, well I didn’t do, yet because I had to get their permission. Why do I still do that even when I’m old enough to make my own decisions? Respect and blessings. I don’t think much about the danger part because for all I know I could die from just tripping over a pebble, if it was my time. So why bother although “looking for trouble” just seems to find its way into my life on and off.

Here’s the other thing that I’ve noticed – life’s beginning to change, in ways where I feel it’s taking a step back to quietness, coldness, and solo. So what do I do? Let things slide and look for something else to do? To think “I wished it didn’t happen at all” wouldn’t be what I have in mind, at least not this time because these are memories have taught me stuffs, showed me stuffs. But what am I holding on to? And why am I hanging on to some things? – Thoughts 41. Is it time for me to get back into the shelter? Or has things slowed down just like they’re supposed to and for some to eventually fade away like it never happened before?

7th January 2012

Slept it over and well, here’s a thought, if it couldn’t happen, it didn’t for a reason, maybe an even bigger, better picture will come up. I’ll try again another time, or another place.

So study and a little luck gave me a small return. Satisfied with it?? Yes I am, yes I am…

Last but not least, as much as I’ve noticed that times are slowly going back to old times, I can’t help to end this entry by saying I still look forward to better days, as much as I can.

Thoughts 43

2012-01-06T02:55:00.001-08:00

How am I Feeling Right NOW?

#annoyed **rolls eyes

#angry

#sad/disappointed

#speechless

#iwonderwhy –_–''''

Thoughts 42

2012-01-03T06:19:00.001-08:00

Ever wonder why sometimes you feel lost or you don’t remember what is your purpose of being in a place? Here’s what I feel. I feel that sometimes when you stay too long in a place, you forgot your goal and initial plan, unintentionally. It helps to take a step back to reflect on things and to remind yourself of it again. At least you’ll be able to decide whether to continue along this path, or travel a new one.

Thoughts 41

2012-01-01T20:13:00.001-08:00

We bid farewell to 2011 but not to the good and bad memories because behind every memory is a story & lesson learned... WILLKOMMEN 2012..!!!!

P/s:- “Everything that happens is a life lesson. – Everyone you meet, everything you encounter, etc. They’re all part of the learning experience we call ‘life.’ Never forget to acknowledge the lesson, especially when things don’t go your way. If you don’t get a job that you wanted or a relationship doesn’t work, it only means something better is out there waiting. And the lesson you just learned is the first step towards it.” – marcandangel

My Last 7 Days of 2011, Week 50.5

2011-12-31T01:32:00.001-08:00

25th December 2011 – Merry Christmas to All

I learned that getting angry at someone in your dreams is as exhausting as when you are awake.
I learned that reaching out to someone can be easy but getting the response that you want is so much harder, but I’m still trying.
I reminded myself to be humble and am reminded of a quote from a dear friend – 强中更有强中手, 一山自有一山高.

26th December 2011 – Boxing Day (Shopping Day)

I learned that if you put shopping ahead of food, you can go on for 7hrs with only one large serve of Boost Juice. (Yes I did that, but had a brunch bar earlier.)
I learned that it’s easy to say yes to someone who asks me to buy gifts.
I learned that even when you ask someone to check their product to make sure it is what they chose, they can still make mistake and bring home something with an almost similar design. (True story.. some people aren’t as observant after all.)
I learned that if a menu has red bean drink, that’s the drink that I’ll order.

27th December 2011 – Christmas Day Holiday

I learned that only the author knows the true story behind a his literature. Sometimes I shouldn’t have to try too hard to understand something, just embrace it. Literature title: Make Believe
I learned that I should give a little time before saying anything when I’m angry/upset. Words spoken aren’t as easy as using the “Backspace” or “Delete” button.

28th December 2011

I learned that one man’s creativity can be another man’s burden, because he doesn’t share the same vision as the artist.
I learned that sometimes it’s easier if you don’t ask when someone is upset because it’s none of your business – “It’s personal”, and you don’t fall under that category just yet. So I say quietly, “I hope all will be well for you.”
I learned that no matter where a friend was, concern for one’s health and safety is always there.
I said what I needed to say, I did what I needed to do, but somehow I feel it isn’t enough, yet, because all I got was silence and short answers. And if today was my last day on earth, then I have not yet fulfilled all "10 Things You Should Be Able To Say Before You Die".

29th December 2011

I learned that you can try to predict the numbers by studying its frequency of occurrence but some things are just purely luck, or is it study and a little luck?
Despite knowing that luck is never on my side when it comes to this, I still decided to give it a try, with a little study.

30th December 2011

I made a deal today, but I think I shouldn’t have. I doubt that I’ll get anything in return, not even the slightest sign but at least I tried, and I’ll keep on trying. Reaching out is easy but waiting to hear is the harder.
When I don’t understand things, I always end up singing “Life, oh life, oh~~~ life, oh~~~ life… du du du du” – Des’ree (Life)
Having the same dream two days in a row can be a little exhausting and suspicious, but I decided “come what may”.

31st December 2011

I learned to never let anyone make you feel bad because you decided to spend a few extra $$ on something, even if you could’ve gotten it for a cheaper price elsewhere, but no harm whining for being told off for awhile, only a little while.

And so I thought, last day of 2011, how can I not reflect on the days I’ve had so far. I feel that I’ve learned more this year than I ever had, all the good and bad sweets and awful sour, bumps and smooth flows, laughters and stresses. What happened happened for a reason, what didn't was probably not meant to be. But all in all I'm grateful for everything that life has taught me and how much it has opened my eyes. To old friends thanks for sticking around, to new friends thanks for the new friendship and it has been an honour to get to know you. And to my fellow readers, thanks for dropping by and revisiting.

Happy New Year and hope you will have another great year ahead.

Thoughts 40

2011-12-28T16:34:00.001-08:00

It’s never a good thing when you dream of being late for wedding cause you had to drive thru a flood & can see big waves heading your way – obstacles in life.

Week 49.5

2011-12-23T07:47:00.001-08:00

End of Week 7. He finally replied my email on Monday and boy was I glad to hear from him. Started working on things already and there’s progress, I would say. It wasn’t so bad to have to go through my literatures and gathering information from scratch. In fact it gave me a fresh start in a way.

And the fickle minded decided not to get the gadget after all because there will be a new one released next year. So I’ll wait til next year and see how it goes. Instead, I’d bought a 24” monitor just so I can have a better view of my work materials and not have to squint when multiple files are being opened. Good to watch series too…definitely got a big smile on my face at the satisfaction of getting it. With that I have sis to thank for, for suggesting it in the first place. A little unexpected, not something I would get, especially not overnight but for now all I could say is, sometimes impromptu is fun and certainly haven’t done that in awhile.

Today I stumbled upon a very interesting blog, thanks to a friend. Check it out at Thoughts 39. It is something I find touching, inspiring, and a soft/kind/hard/harsh reminder altogether about things. It has made me realize that there are some things that I have neglected, some things that I could make better and all that. Definitely a site to get back to in times when you need a self reminder. Now that’s what I’m talking about when writing a blog.

I’ve started to realize, and am saying it out loud. It takes time to know a person, and the longer you are friends with that person, the more you see of one’s characteristics and colours – how I’d like to describe it. Now, what do you do when you start seeing qualities you don’t really agree on? When you start questioning “why do I even bother” or have doubts about that person, maybe it’s time to make that decision. What decision am I talking about? Friends can give you all the fun talk, crap talk, and gossips. And a friend once said eventually there is a need for substantial talk too, and to add to that, what’s the point if there wasn’t anything substantial. Or am I taking things too seriously now?

I guess enough is said in this weekly update. Long Christmas weekend and looking forward to it.

P/s:- I’m still waiting on a friend I feel worthy, to hear updates and have fun talks like old times.

Thoughts 39, More Words than the Usual for Thoughts

2011-12-23T05:37:00.001-08:00

Today I found this site from a friend –> Marc and Angel Hack Life

It started of with this link: 30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself. One link led to another and another and another and another. Some were inspiring, some were touching, some were a reminder of the past, some were a reminder of what could have been, some were a reminder of what was forgotten, and some were a reminder of how to make things better.

Here are some interesting ones that I’ve read:

26 Life Lessons Learned by Age 26

50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind

60 Tiny Love Stories to Make You Smile

30 Things to Start Doing for Yourself

Definitely a MUST to check their site out.

Me a Magician, where did that come from?

2011-12-23T05:01:00.001-08:00

Where did that come from? For the very first time, for as long as I can remember, I dreamt that I was going to have to perform magic in front of a small audience, not voluntarily though – never a stage person unless I have to. So it all started when I was asked by two friends and my biggest weakness was to never say no to a person, even in my dreams. Agreed to it and decided to practice. What was I suppose to perform? Making the rabbit disappear into the hat. So I played with the very fury and fat bunny for awhile before I told it to put itself into the hat, at the same time doubting that it was going to be able to fit. As crazy as it sounds, the bunny did pick up the hat and put it on, got stuck halfway down and tried a second time. “I knew you couldn’t fit in,” I said to myself. And then I woke. First thing I thought of, the reason why I could’ve woken up, was because I didn’t want to go through the magic performance knowing that my trick wouldn’t work – work of saving face?? Whether or not there was anything else that happened after that, I don’t recall.

Here’s what dream interpretation has got to say, nothing too positive fancy though:

Source: http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/m.htm

When you dream about magic: To perform or dream of magic suggests that you need to look at things from a different view or approach your problems from a new angle in order to successfully move forward. Alternatively, magic symbolizes creativity and wonder. Perhaps someone or something has caused you to be in awe. The dream may also be a metaphor that you or someone is “up to some trick'”.

When you dream about magician, in this story, I am the ‘magician’: To see or dream that you are a magician signifies that an issue or a task at hand may be trickier than you had anticipated. You are feeling disillusioned. Alternatively, the dream means that you are trying to fool yourself or someone into believing something that you know is not true.

My thoughts on magic: I would definitely believe that it may be a sign that it’s time to look at things from a different point of view. There’s always a need to do so to have a better perspective of things, weltanschauung (“World View”), something I learned not so long ago. However I would also like to take into consideration that perhaps someone or something has awed me. And on the last part about me or someone who is “up to some trick”, that would be an interesting thing to find out. Question is, was the dream a sign of something that has already happened, or was it a dream that was telling me that something is ABOUT to happen? *Shrugs…

My thoughts on magician: Nothing’s ever simple in life, so maybe I may have underestimated some things. Perhaps I was because the rabbit couldn’t even fit into the hat that it was suppose to disappear into. But I already had a feeling it wasn’t going to, so what does that mean? OR better yet, am I fooling myself? I’ve definitely not been trying to fool anyone, never have, unless it was unintentionally then I have nothing to say.

Conclusion: No definite interpretation. As usual, your mind thinks what it wants to accept as the best interpretation, what I would call an “author’s biased opinion”.

Thoughts 38

2011-12-21T18:42:00.001-08:00

TRUST is established over time... but it can come crumbling down within a matter of seconds...

Week 48.5

2011-12-17T04:45:00.001-08:00

End of Week 6, and things are starting to roll, only it required a little more hard work and lots of patience because of the wait. Yes it’s been two days, three in fact, including today that my SV has not replied my email about the amended research question. I am hoping that this time I’ve nailed the research question with the right words. Yes, “right words” is the exact phrase because it is suppose to signify my research topic. Now I’m really hoping that he’d get back to me by Monday, fingers crossed and toes, with green light that I’ve got it and I can proceed with the research. Well, I’ll have to admit that I would have to re-do some of the literatures that I’ve collected but I’m pretty sure I can do it.

The week seemed to passed pretty quick and the fickle minded has decided to settle on the new gadget. The only thing is timing, when is the right timing? I’ll never know unless and until I get the calling. There seems to be a lot of promotion for it lately, with the Summer Sales and probably as Xmas marketing strategy too.

Thoughts 37

2011-12-12T18:00:00.001-08:00

Life… we want is as simply as possible, but sometimes we make it complicated without realising it.

Week 47.5

2011-12-10T23:08:00.001-08:00

End of Week 5, so I’ve bummed long enough and it actually got me carried away with stuffs. Met SV for consultation on research topic and was caught unprepared. Couldn’t come out with a research question, kept changing my mind, couldn’t settle with a narrowed down topic. Additionally, starting to have sleep problems, has its pros and cons though. It means I’m starting to think and work on stuffs again, with the added personal stuffs to handle. I am however looking forward to doing the research topic and write my dissertation, with fingers crossed that everything would go on smoothly.

Had company annual dinner at a Chinese restaurant, two round tables, Chinese style of course. Got acquainted with the less stringent side of the bosses, and their partners. Twas good to have a good laugh during the dinner. Apart from being rushed by the waiters and waitresses after every dish, everything was well. Funniest event of the night would’ve been when the waiter had said “Anyone want more soup? The next table has no more soup.” And I thought I was drunk or I had heard wrongly although I didn’t even drink a sip of wine that was passed around the table. But he said it twice and my Sales Manager caught it too, noticed her when we caught eyes and she too had a confused look on her face. Then we both started to laugh out loud, because it was really unbelievable. How does one offer more soup when there was none left?

And…. I may have not been able to keep my one gadget a year target after all. Am about to break the practice because it’s simply tempting to just click the Checkout button to just grab the gadget that I want. But then again I’m always indecisive especially when it comes to buying things when I have not had enough information – in this case, I haven’t found out the price of the item at home, AND still am not a keen shopping for expensive items online. I guess I’ll find out tomorrow.

Fire

2011-12-05T02:51:00.001-08:00

So it has gone from spiritual to one level up, FIRE. Although mild but the dream caught the attention of this curious mind. So this time I dreamt about fire, and as mentioned, it wasn't like I was setting a building on fire nor was I caught in fire or line of fire. Instead, I was trying to start a fire for a campsite or something of the same situation. There were 3 of us and the fire had started, very small, weak, and required more dry wood and grass to keep it 'alive'. Not taking my eyes of the fire, I had called for the rest of the people around to grab twigs while I watched the fire. I also reached out to my surroundings to find anything that was nearby that could help keep the fire going. It got weaker and weaker by the moment and I felt that I have failed although it's just a fire, and surely there was someone who could do a better job than me to keep the fire alive. And that's when I thought it's obviously a message sent from the subconscious.

Interpretation about fire (from multiple sources):

Its a symbol of destruction and can link to friendships or situations in our life which have been destroyed. Maybe it could link to someone you have ignored. (www.unclesirbobby.org.uk/dreamdictionaryfire.php)
Carl Jung believed that the fire is reprensetative to our psychological transformation. The flame represents the light that is needed to guide us in life. Jung also thought that the fire signifies a bad temper or an argument between others. The dream of a fire is often a significant event which is related to an important event in your subconscious mind - either about security or passion. If you dream of small or weak fire then this dream indicates that you are going to have happiness in your life. (www.auntyflo.com/dream-dictionary/fire)
Depending on the context of your dream, to see fire in your dream can symbolize destruction, passion, desire, illumination, purification, transformation, enlightenment, or anger. If you are setting a fire to something or even to yourself, then it indicates that you are undergoing some great distress. (www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/f.htm)

How I relate to the dream: Well as expected there are many interpretations of a dream and it is really up to you to relate it to current happenings in life. From my point of view, fire has always been a symbol of strength, especially for one who's born under the sign of fire. And not being able to keep the fire burning is a sign of weakness, distress, a sign that something isn't going well. There are only two things that I can think of that has made me feel a little off recently – 1. It's a friend thing, and 2. It's a school thing. My inability to keep the fire burning from (1) simply means I'm probably losing or feel like I'm losing a friend and I don't know what to do about it. Or maybe the fact that I feel helpless because I'm not able to do anything to make things a little like old times. As for (2), well I just started reviewing, like seriously reviewing materials for school stuffs and I could probably just be having the assignment jitters like I always do whenever I'm in doubt of things.

So I guess for now I’ll just have to try to hold on to as much as I can, for as long as I can. Here comes determination and not giving up easily.

Temple, Food, Crowd, Running

2011-12-03T21:09:00.001-08:00

Finally another dream interpretation. Been dreading and contemplating whether or not to write cause I felt that it hasn’t had any significance in my life lately. Here it goes anyways, the different dreams that I’ve had recently.

Dream 1: I dreamt at first that I was in an abandoned temple, in a cave-like temple. It had a large Buddha head that laid on its side, meaning it wasn’t standing UP as it should have been. There were other alters around but old looking. I walked around the place, absorbing every sight the eye catches. Somehow, as how a dream would do, the temple changed into something less abandoned except for the part where I first saw the head. People started coming in too, and it was time for me to go. Before I left I prayed but I don’t think I’ve managed to finish saying my prayers. Was never that religious in real life either, unfortunately.

Interpretation: So here is what sources say when you dream about a temple – a temple is an embodiment of spirituality and meditation, inspiration and growth. It is also symbolic of your physical body and the attention you give it, perhaps it needs to be pampered. Alternatively, the dream suggests that you are looking for a place of refuge and a place to keep things that are dear to you. Sources: www.mydreammeanings.com and www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/t.htm

How I relate to the dream: Do I think life is harsh? Yes. How do I cope? I just make do with what I can, help where I can, be there when I can, or when things don’t go as I’d expected then maybe it’s just not worth my time and energy after all. Perhaps I am looking for a place of refuge after all. It does feel like I am trying to hold on to as much as I can, with what little dear things that I already have right now. But then again, as I said earlier, maybe there are some things that I can’t hold on to and I should not care too much because it’s not healthy, simply exhausting for me. This is the part of myself that is more of a love/hate relationship, pros and cons to being who I am, how I am to others.

Dream 2: I dreamt that I was overeating. To be overeating, I would be eating my favourite food, indeed and it was bread with green fillings (aka vegetables) and meat. While eating one type of bread that was passed over by dad, I was asking for another type of bread because I didn’t like the one that I was having, despite still eating it. But while doing that I was also thinking if I had my hands on the bread that I liked, I might not even be able to finish it, so why do I still want it so badly?

Interpretation: To dream that you are overeating or not eating enough signifies a lack of spirituality and fulfilment in your waking life. Food can represent love, friendship, ambition, sex or pleasure in your life. Thus, food is a metaphor to fulfill and gratify your hunger for love and desires.

How I relate to the dream: Now this could either b related to the earlier interpretation about spiritual and fulfilment stuffs but it could also be related to my current diet practice.

Dream 3: This one involves me running, or more like jogging, something that I enjoy doing when I need to feel the heartburn and lungs ache when it runs out of air. So I was jogging, and as usual I wanted to increase my workout challenge. Sis appeared in the dream to lead me to a new path and along the way I was surrounded by unwanted, unnecessary crowds. And we were interrupted by a group of ladies who had asked us to sit down and eat with them. Apparently we’ve passed a fair that was going on, thus the crowd.

Interpretation: Running/jogging could just mean that I was working out or simply, but nothing new there, that I was running away from the past. Crowd however suggests that I need some space for myself. “You need solitude to reflect on a situation and recharge your energy. Consider also the familiar phrase of ‘going along with the crowd’ which implies conformity and lack of individuality. Perhaps you feel that your own opinion doesn’t count or matter. Alternatively, dreaming of a crowd means that you need to incorporate the various aspects of the crowd into your own persona.” Source: www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/

How I relate to the dream: Most likely related to recent happenings which will not be explained here. But I guess this probably calls for reflection and recharging time. Maybe I’ve put too much energy on something that I shouldn’t have in the first place. Nothing new there, always getting myself into unnecessary trouble when life could be at ignorance and cold, less compassionate. So maybe I should just be grateful for what happened and what didn’t and move on.

Week 46.5

2011-12-03T07:47:00.001-08:00

End of Week 4, how much have I progressed? I would say, not as far as I had expected. Yes a little disappointing, but also as to be expected from a major procrastinator here too. Do I need to find a new project, something to keep me occupied? Well I thought I did, and I even tried too, but turns out it wasn’t what I had wanted it to be. Hard a person to please? Or just not wanting to go back to the old times? It’s called moving on but the past always has its way of catching up with you from time to time. So what do I do next?

Oh and I had an encounter with a roach this week, in my room, under my bed. It’ll be so tiring to re-live and re-tell the moment for I have done it 3 times already. All I’m gonna say here is it’s definitely nothing that I wanna go through again ever because of the size it was, because I had to hear it die slowly and because I had to pick it up while it’s still half alive so that I can go back to bed. Here’s what I realized though, the one person, the first person that had come across my mind to tell it to at that point of time felt a little right/wrong. So I told the 2nd person that came across my mind because everyone else was asleep. Listener 1 was her usual nice and sweet listener, Listener 2 had horror on her face when I told her what happened, like she was watching a horror movie, and Listener 3 thought I was joking and asked if I was serious.

Random thoughts – When you’re alone everything is only one way, thought for one, built for one, do for one. When it’s a two person thing or more, be it work, or personal, it involves commitment from both sides, and most importantly communication. So what happens when it’s quiet time? How long do you keep on trying to reach out? Do you give it some time? Or let time do its course and let things die away eventually?

My 12 Signs of Friends

2011-11-28T02:59:00.001-08:00

a capri once told me - saying sorry means u'll nvr do it again,so dun apologise if u're gonna do it again

an aquarian looked away when i caught her staring at me n asked sternly 'what are you looking at?'

a picon stared at me puzzled when she saw me choosing chips and laughed when she saw the look on my face when i picked the one i wanted

an arion calls me 'naughty girl'

a tauron told me i was brave to take such a big leap

a geminon asked me if i was afraid of the culture differences

a cancerion knows i am undecisive n yet is patient to help me decide

a lion once said 'why cry over spilt milk? no point crying over spilt milk.'

a virgon said i'm anti-social n hv no frens

a libran told me 'u dont stop making new frens even when u're far from old frens'

a scorpion was surprised at my openness when she told me something

a sagittarion reminded me of how mean i was n how bad i felt for being mean until today

Thoughts 36

2011-11-26T07:44:00.001-08:00

The Last Goodbye:

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to say goodbye,knowing tat there's no return bcos it's just not meant to be

Week 45.5

2011-11-26T05:25:00.001-08:00

End of Week 3, exams results published. Nothing out of the unexpected, all within expectations. Yes I know my limitations, my weaknesses and what to expect. So if there was anything that I was unhappy about, I’ve got no one to blame but myself. And this marks the last time ever I’ll be sitting an academic exam, for life, for good.

And yes, I missed my opportunity. Wouldn’t say it’s a lifetime opportunity, but it was AN opportunity that I didn’t wanna miss. I guess I’ll just have to wait for the next one to open. I must say I am very disappointed that I missed my chance, although I kinda saw it coming. It’s just timing but that has brought me to speed up some stuffs which I am thankful and glad that I did.

News? Yes I’ve got news. A girlfriend got married this weekend. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to attend the reception. Here’s her story though. We’ve only met two years back, for annual corporate games and she was my partner and roommate. First time we met, I was new to the team and she was the superstar and the rest of the team knew her longer than I did – we were the only princesses in the team, thus we were well taken care of. And yes uncles and young men in our team were asking and urging her to get married soon but she said she wasn’t in a hurry, it wasn’t on her top priority list. Who knew two years later she was stepping into a whole new world and living a new life when it felt like it was only yesterday I had heard her utter those words. Now every time I see her I am reminded of when we first met and how things can change quickly over time, for better and/or for worse. And I am very happy for her for she has found what others are still finding. My heartiest congratulations to her!!! P/s: I’ve also gave her names for her first baby girl and baby boy.

Thoughts 35

2011-11-26T02:12:00.001-08:00

Memories, we can’t erase the old ones, but we can create new ones…

Puzzles

2011-11-25T03:31:00.001-08:00

I started with a 10 pieces puzzle

Then I did 100 pieces, followed by 1000 pieces, and then 2000

And the number just increases as I grow

We grew together

Life is like a puzzle

When we were young, things were simple,

puzzles were easy to piece together

As we grow older, more pieces fall into place,

needing us to fit all of them together to form a picture

And it takes a longer time to put them together

to fit every piece into the right sides and corners

When two pieces don’t fit, we continue to find its pair

When they fit, they fit perfectly,

forming a mini picture, an incomplete picture

and waiting for us to put more pieces together

to form a bigger picture

And I wait patiently as each piece of puzzle fall into place,

as I look at my incomplete puzzle

I continue to piece two puzzles together to see if they are a perfect match

and set aside those that do not,

while waiting for the right timing and other puzzles to come along

so that those that don’t match will eventually find its place

in my picture of life

Week 44.5

2011-11-19T18:46:00.001-08:00

End of Week 2. At least it was a little more fruitful. Results for English test was out and let’s just say it helps to be not smart, and always caught daydreaming in la la land, with a little bit of luck too. I just have a feeling that these slackness of mine always have someone or something looking out for me for some very weird but grateful reason. Now that that is done, it has opened me to new opportunities that I will have to grab when the right timing comes. Also got final exams results releasing next week and hoping for good grades, nothing too shocking or disappointing. As a friend would say, fingers, toes and even eyes crossed for this, as she did for my English test.

The week was concluded with Pride Parade that I’d witness in the city on Saturday night. Surprise surprise, 1. not many people know what Pride Parade is all about; and 2. Pride is a generic word and yet I overheard one person said “Oh so they call it Pride here too.” (Probably from another country that refers to it in a different term? Idk, didn’t turn back to look cause I was busy taking pictures.) It was a brief parade, not much pictures taken and unfortunately my photography skills for night pictures were not so good – was caught between wanting to take with flash, no flash and on aperture setting – and yes these part definitely needs a lot of brushing up. Highlight of my experience would be the drums, two groups – Sambanista and Bass Nova. Too much time spent around them and appreciating two different types of drum performances gave me a headache that I was still suffering from its aftermath the next day. But it was a good experience overall and I’m glad I went.

Week 43.5

2011-11-13T04:09:00.001-08:00

End of Week 1 and counting.

Yes it’s almost the end of the year. And an initiative to review resolutions made. Yup made a few simple ones, nope not all fulfilled. I guess some old habits die hard.

So what’s next? New goals, new targets, new tasks? “Searching to find.”

Words

2011-11-07T06:54:00.001-08:00

Words… they can mean more than one thing
depending on your mood,
depending on who said it,
depending on who wrote it
do you know the author?
how well you know the author?

Words… to grasp its meaning
to feel what I feel when I wrote it
you would have to feel how I felt when I wrote it
but if you felt different,
you might just be telling a story of your own

Words… I see them everywhere
random ones cross my mind once awhile
frequent ones I can never put meaning to it

I read because I want to know
because I want to understand
because I want to feel
because I want to escape

I write because I want to express
because I want to share
because I want others to feel what I felt
because I want to help others understand
because I want to send a message
because I want to reach out
because I hope the right one reads it too, and feel

So I keep writing
I keep playing with words
I keep sharing them
as I learn the various meaning it carries
Until the day comes when I decide that it's time to take a break
when I no longer want to share
nor want others to feel what I felt
nor want to help others understand
nor want to send any message
nor want any one to read it, and feel at all

That's when I will call it 'QUITS'

Week 40.5, 41.5, 42.5 + Thoughts 35

2011-11-03T00:39:00.001-07:00

Three weeks of updates with nothing much to update nor any idea for free writing. Thoughts have been elsewhere tho physically I am where I am. But here’s a thought:

with the final chapter of one book closed, opens another chapter of a new book... it's a never ending process…

Thoughts 34

2011-10-24T23:51:00.001-07:00

feelings they grow over time and fades away too if not nurtured...

This is Why

2011-10-21T02:54:00.001-07:00

I listen as it starts to play

I pay attention to every single word sung,
tho I once said I don’t pay attention to lyrics, but I lied

I do pay attention to the lyrics, not always, but sometimes.

And this one just reminded me of why I don’t

The song that’s telling my story

I put it on repeat, and listen to it over and over again

As a reminder to self, that

This is why I don’t….

#Late Night Alumni – This is Why ♫♪♪♫♫♪♫♫

Flashes of Your Life

2011-10-20T06:55:00.001-07:00

How does it feel to know that someone or something was interested to study you? Strapped comfortably under the blanket while you are half awake, and wires around your forehead. A screen in front of you with your memories flashing, good and bad memories, all of your experience and thoughts flashing. Yes all these memories, thoughts, extracted from your head, not to brainwash you or make you forget, but to study about you, about how you think. And you can’t stop them or it from digging into your memories because you’re strapped, trapped. All you could do was just stare at these flashes in front of you.

Why are they doing this? Who are they? What do they want with my memories?

All these questions appear in your head as you watch your own memories. You try to look away but somehow you can’t. You were forced to look at your memories and these questions keep popping into your head. But no one was there to give you an answer. No one was there to help. You feel helpless, trapped.

Chapter 11 (Brent and Lexie)

2011-10-16T08:21:00.001-07:00

Not wanting to leave Brent alone for too long, Lexie hurried back to his room with a cup of coffee in her hand, one she got from the coffee machine by the hospital entrance. She had just sent Mrs Taylor off a while ago, promising to call as soon as he wakes.

He was still at the same position even before she left him. She moved to the chair where Mrs Taylor sat earlier. One sip from the coffee cup and she made an unpleasant face.

His coffee sure tastes better than this. She thought as she remembered their Wednesdays’ routine that just happened yesterday.

Memories came flashing back, of when she saw him at May’s, when he took her aside to steal some alone time with her, when he called her the night before and promised that he’d meet her at her workplace to return the sweater, when she waited for him anxiously but he didn’t turn up, and when she heard the messages left by her mom and Mrs Taylor.

“What were you thinking Brent? You idiot!! What were you thinking??” she said with a little anger in her voice, and felt her heart ached, her eyes blurred with tears.

“Of Alexia Hennington,” a hoarse voice said.

“Brent?” Lexie sniffled, quickly wiping the tears off her eyes, hoping that he wouldn’t see it.

She looked at him, puzzled. There he was, still sleeping soundly. But whose voice was that then? She thought.

“Hi Lexie.”

There it was again, that same voice, the one that sounded exactly like Brent, only difference was as though he had a sore throat. Again she looked at the bed, this time rubbing her eyes just to be sure she was in fact looking at him sleeping and not imagining that he was talking to her.

“I’m here Lexie. How have you been? I’m sorry I missed our meeting.”

Lexie turned to the entrance of the room. There he was, Brent, leaning against the entrance of Room 17. Dressed smartly in a light-checkered-shirt, with a vest over it, his hair neatly combed to the back, as though he was ready for a dinner party. She had never seen him in that suit before. Nevertheless she liked the way he looked no matter what he was dressed in.

Then she felt weird. She remembered that moments ago he was just on the bed. How could he have been at the door and smartly dressed that quickly? She looked at the bed, then to the door, then the bed again, and gaped as she stopped to look at the door, not believing what she was seeing. Last she remembered, he didn’t have a twin brother, and she was certain of it. Chills started crawling behind her neck, on her skin.

“Br- Brent? Is that really you? What’s going on?”

“Let’s watch the sunrise Lexie. We can watch it from the rooftop of the hospital,” he said and started to walk away.

Lexie followed him quickly. He waited for her midway, til she was beside him and they walked together to the lift.

DING! And the door opened. They entered. He pressed the button to the highest floor, the tenth floor.

DING! Tenth floor. The door opened. He took her hands and led the way. She followed quietly.

Lexie could see that it was breaking dawn and the skies were a light shade of pink.

“Is it Wednesday already?” she asked him.

There were two portable chairs set at one end of the helipad, with a small table in front of it, a flask with two plastic cups, and a cake box. She wondered what was inside the box.

“Now, now, does it have to be a Wednesday for us to watch the sunrise? Let’s make today exceptional,” he said, as he sat her down on one chair, and took the other one.

Brent leaned forward to pour the coffee and handed her the cup. Then he opened the cake box. In it were half a dozen of pastries, colourfully decorated – fruity ones, chocolate coated ones, custard ones, caramel ones. She looked at him while he slowly unboxed the pastries, picked one up and handed it to her.

“Try this one. It blends well with the coffee.”

“Dessert before breakfast, really?”

He only returned a smile as he poured his coffee and sat back. Just like any other time, they sat and watch the sunrise together, only it wasn’t Wednesday, or at least that was what she recalled.

The pastry that he gave her did fit well with her coffee. She savoured every single bite of it while taking small sips out of her coffee cup.

This is it, the perfect moment – the sunrise, the coffee, the slight sweetness of the pastry, and most of all Brent. She thought and smiled quietly.

“Brent?” she called, not taking her eyes off the sky far ahead.

She waited for him to call her name, but there was silence.

“Brent??” she called again, this time looking over to his seat only to find that it was empty.

Chapter 10 (Brent and Lexie)

2011-10-16T06:04:00.001-07:00

No, no, why does this have to happen? Why now? Why not NEVER AT ALL? Lexie thought as she rushed to the hospital.

She kept playing the conversation she had with Mrs Taylor in her head, over and over again, while trying hard to pay attention on the road. It was a surprise she didn’t break any red light nor did the police chased her while she was driving because she was definitely speeding over the limit, or at least as fast as her car could take her.

The third floor. She thought, pressing on the button number 3 so many times as though it would make the lift go any faster.

The lift door finally opened to the third floor. Straight ahead was the front desk and there was only one nurse there.

“Seventeen!! Which way is to Room 17?” Lexie asked impatiently.

Her voice startled the nurse and she pointed to the left. The floor was quiet for an ICU ward tonight, not that she was hoping otherwise.

Realizing what she just did and that it was after visiting hours, the nurse stood up and said, “Ma’am, it’s after visiting ...” But she didn’t get to finish because Lexie was already halfway across the hall and just a few steps away from the doorstep of Room 17.

“Brent?”

“Lexie??”

“Ma’am, it’s after visiting hours. Only family members are allowed.”

“It’s alright, she’s family,” said Mrs Taylor who was clearly awoken up by the noise that Lexie and the nurse had made.

The nurse nodded and walked away.

“Mrs Taylor, how’s he?” Lexie asked as she walked to his bedside.

Brent laid peacefully on his bed, breathing softly. The sound of the ECG beeped softly every few seconds. She had one hand squeezing his left hand, while the other patting his head like he was a small kid.

“We won’t know until he wakes up. And we don’t know when he’ll wake up, or if he ever will.”

There was a slight bitterness and worry in her voice. Lexie felt it too.

“But he should have known better. He’s been doing this for as long as I could remember. How could he have been so careless?”

Lexie would have definitely snapped at him if he was wide awake now. She knew nothing about being an electrician but she has certainly had a few safety lessons of her own at her workplace.

“Accidents happen Lexie, even to the most careful person.”

She finally looked away from Brent to Mrs Taylor and saw how exhausted his mom was. It must have been a long journey for her to come all the way here after getting news that her son was admitted to the hospital. Not quite a trip you’d look forward to, having to drive 5 hours only to see your son on the hospital bed, not knowing when he would wake up.

“Mrs Taylor, have you eaten yet? Why don’t you go over to Brent’s and get freshen up, or get some sleep while I take over for the night. I haven’t got any work tomorrow, so I can stay here tonight. You must be exhausted from the drive.”

Brent’s mom looked at her hesitantly. She didn’t feel like leaving her baby boy in the hospital, not out of her sight, not when in this condition.

“I’ll get the nurse to call a cab for you,” Lexie said, as she exited the room, not giving her a chance to resist at all.

It’s Time

2011-10-16T02:14:00.001-07:00

It’s time now, I thought. No more dress ups, no more make ups, no more fake smiles, no more fights to stay afloat.

I sat at the porch, sweater and a scarf, blanket to cover the legs and keep warm in this mid autumn, staring out to the lake. Beyond it were hills, and more hills, and the sun hiding behind these hills, slowly fading away as I was. Dead leaves surrounded the golden grounds, making rustling sounds ever so often, as the wind blows. Cold breeze hitting the face, this face that was once young, filled with joy and high spirit of a fighter. The hands that wore a pair of gloves felt rough rubbing it against the cheek as it tried to warm what was once known as rosy cheeks. Maybe it wasn’t the gloves that were rough at all, maybe it was the wrinkled face that made the gloves felt rough.

“Hey, deep thoughts again?” A sweet voice said.

Ah, yes. Here she is. I thought. My kind, beautiful and warm hearted angel.

She came with two warm cups of hot chocolate and placed one on the table in front of me as she sat beside me, holding hers to keep her fingers warm. It won’t take long before the hot drink became cold but she would just make another new cup for me until I was ready to drink it. She knows I like watching the hot vapour from the cup, just like watching the smoke coming out from the chimney.

We sat there quietly, both staring at the same scenery. Occasionally she would ask if I was okay, or if I was warm enough, or what was in my thoughts. I would look at her and returned her questions with silent warm stares, and she would smile back at me before turning back at the scenery that was ahead of us. She finished her drink and put it beside mine, a full cup of chocolate drink that was no longer warm. She rubbed her fingers together, putting them close to her lips and tried to blow with what little warm air she could. I held my arm out slightly, and opened my palm, and she read my mind like she always did. She moved closer and slipped one arm around mine, placing one hand on mine, her other hands on her, followed by my other hand on hers again – just like a burger, she always said. And she rested her head on my shoulder, like she always does.

This time, not like any other times, I rested mine on her head. And she knew, just like she always does, that the time has finally come.

“It’s time huh? Good night and sweet dreams. I’ll miss you, always and forever.”

I’ll miss you too, my angel. Always and forever. I said quietly, knowing that she would be able to hear me somehow or rather.

And those were the last words I uttered as I closed my eyes and let my thoughts fade away for the very last time.

Anger Management Class or a Tranquillizer? Standing on Thin Ice

2011-10-15T14:46:00.001-07:00

A clear mind, away from anger and hatred and dislikes does help figure things out…

A clouded mind, surrounded by anger and dislikes clouds judgements and makes you do stupid things, things you will regret doing…

All it had to start with, was a small trigger… push it an inch further, then another inch, and another, and another and BOOM!!! the volcano ERUPTS..!!!

What happens to an un-stabilized patient with anger management issue?

One can be really quiet and happy or just be ‘normal’ and expressionless, but never underestimate that one..

Great ideas may come, clean or dirty tricks may be hidden in the sleeves…

And I wondered, with a clear mind, what was the trigger? How can one be so calm when the other was burning in rage?

Overthinking? CERTAINLY… But why?? It’s just in the nature to question things…

Conclusions:
1. Trigger factor UNKNOWN.

2. When the rage is at its peak, you don’t fight it with rage, you fight it with water. “Calm down, calm down,” she kept saying. Like a nurse would treat its deranged patient, “Calm down,” and thinking that the patient needs to either go for anger management class most probably after being tranquillized if the patient starts hurting itself or other people.

How does it feel to be put down with a tranq gun, or a needle, like a mentally deranged patient or a pet/stray dog?

One never stops but wonder… the curious mind never stops but question..

Thoughts 33

2011-10-15T05:02:00.001-07:00

Never stir a calm sea just because you might not like what you find, or be caught surprised by it.

Life Only Stops When You Say So

2011-10-15T01:51:00.001-07:00

She said you could move a thousand miles, halfway across the globe and miss you friends back home

But life doesn’t stop there because you make new friends, though none of them can replace the ones you have at home

She said you could be surrounded by many people, and yet still feel all alone

But life doesn’t stop there because no matter what you will be surrounded by people, whether they’re with you or not

She said ‘I make both ends meet, so I can meet the one I love halfway across two countries’

But life doesn’t stop when people starts bad mouthing you cause they’re not walking in your shoes

She said ‘He’s the one and I’m ready’ but he breaks her heart bad, into pieces that you can barely piece them together

But life doesn’t stop there because when one door closes, another opens

She said she’s ready for it although there’s a very slim chance of things to happen

But life doesn’t stop there because you try to make the chances bigger

She said the time is here and be prepared but was met with disappointment

But life doesn’t stop there because there’s always an alternative

She said ‘I’ve got swag, but it always gets me into trouble’

But life doesn’t stop there because she’s got swag and that’s what makes her her

She said she’s not confident, she’s worried and she has doubts

But life doesn’t stop there because the right person will be there to assure her

She said she’s crashing over a crush and the crush crashed her like trash

But life doesn’t stop there because there’s always the right one out there

So life happens, it’s got its ups, it’s got its downs

Falling down is part of life, getting back up is living

And life doesn’t stop unless you say so… so don’t call it quits just yet..

What was I Thinking?

2011-10-15T01:28:00.001-07:00

Common question no? Acted before thinking? Questioning your actions after making a decision and knowing that you can’t turn back?

What was I thinking leaving everything behind and flying across the country?

What was I thinking, planning for the future that has a slight chance of happening?

What was I thinking, hoping for something that might not be able to come true?

What was I thinking, wanting more than I can give?

What was I thinking….

I was told to work hard and I will enjoy life later on…

But when will later on come?

I make goals, one after another

I make plans, one after another

But what is it worth at the end of each when you achieve all, you achieve it all alone?

What was I thinking….

To have a better life, I was told…

Yes, I thought.. I want a better life, but I could also make the best of what I have now too, or had before… so what was I thinking??

Week 39.5

2011-10-15T01:14:00.001-07:00

What better way to find an escape other then to write an entry. Yes, procrastinating and the usual…

End of seminar week, welcoming study week, then followed by exams. A little half-hearted that it has come to an end, happy that it’s been smooth flowing and I’m done with it, but a little sad that I don’t have the ‘rush’ for deadlines. The grass is greener on the other side right?

A job opportunity was missed, though I had expected it and still wanted to give it a try hoping that I’ll get an exemption. Well, at least it has brought forward some plans that I had put on hold til next year.

A whole week’s longing and missing and thinking and wondering, when it finally had some sound to it, there was a feeling of gladness to hear some news, despite the brief encounter. One with not much words but lotsa thoughts. Ever thought how some people find it hard to express?

Now I know why people result to drinking. Too much to think, too much to handle at a time, getting yourself drunk doesn’t help solve any problem. But at the very least, it’ll help put things aside for just a short time before reality hits back and you’re forced to face your enemies again. “I may be a fighter, but every fighter has his bad days and needs to take a break once awhile” – Anonymous

P/s: The week couldnt have ended any better. A bottleneck filed with anger did not need to be tilted any further because it just takes the monSTAR out of a person which was really unpleasant and regretful for it would’ve been much worse… People should never try to rock a quiet sea. A few high roads in the past finally came to an end and today, today I stooped so low and it felt really really awful. Quote: Thoughts 33

Cockroaches

2011-10-14T00:28:00.001-07:00

Strange as it may seem, even to myself, I dreamt of roaches. And even more weird, I remembered waking up and went back to sleep, only to continue my dream about roaches. Not quite a good sign. So here’s what some of the interpretation’s gotta say:

1. Obviously it meant uncleanness and something negative.

2. It represents an undesirable aspect of my life that I need to confront. (Don’t I like confrontation? But what if I don’t feel like it?)

3. Dreams like this always relates to my emotional, psychological and spiritual self.

4. It’s a calling to remind me to start cleaning up dirty messes, which again brings be back to number 2 of what if I was doubting myself and I didn’t feel like confrontation just this once?

Well, no one’s perfect. Everyone’s got baggage. Sometimes they choose to ignore and well it’ll just be ignored forever. But sometimes old, new or current baggage catches up with you and you don’t know what you should do.

You are YOUR OWN ENEMY

2011-10-08T05:30:00.001-07:00

YES YOU ARE!!!

Temptations that you have to fight to not do the things that you shouldnt

Temptations that you have to fight to not think the things that you shouldnt

Things you refuse to do simply because you refuse to

Or because you dont feel like it

Things that you try to deny because you dont wanna let go

Or things that you try to deny because you dont wanna accept

Things that you wanna change but you cant cause you dont know how to

Things that you wanna make better but you cant cause you dont know the way to make it better

Things that you do, think and feel when you shouldnt have and you dont know why you did it

Or simply because you dont understand its chemistry; and YES I failed my chemistry

I am MY OWN ENEMY, and the battle has always been ME against ME…..

Thoughts 32

2011-10-08T00:44:00.001-07:00

Know when to back down and walk away.

Week 38.5 & Thoughts 20–31

2011-10-07T22:14:00.001-07:00

The earlier entry a few days too late, this entry being right on time. And yes, I did come across a familiar and couldn’t help but browse further. Read from beginning to end, then closed the book. Stamped [Case Closed].

The mind can’t help but wonder, and wander, to places where it shouldn’t be, and having wishful thoughts. They say a little break does no harm, everyone needs it once awhile. Who’s to say they’re wrong?

Some thoughts that I’ve learned from the few people that have/had crossed my path:

Thoughts 20
Your head is above your heart because it’s suppose to put sense in you so you know when to stop and when it’s safe to go forward.

Thoughts 21
Everything that you do, or decide on has a little selfishness and personal gain in it.

Thoughts 22
It is possible to tell a person that everything is in the state of mind, but mindset is the hardest to change.

“Easier said than done.”

Thoughts 23
Even the strongest link has a weakness, and sometimes that weak link does need a company to listen.

Thoughts 24
“No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the Continent, a part of the maine..” – John Donne

translation: No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main.

Thoughts 25
Some can be ready to listen but not be ready to open, for that is just the way they are.

“It is the things that you rarely come across that makes it unique and special.”
“Cuz you’re amazing, just the way you are.” – anonymous reminded me.

Thoughts 26
The lightning does not strike on the same spot twice, so treasure the rare moments that will only happen once.

“It is the things that rarely happens that makes it unique and special.”

Thoughts 27
At least once a month, everyone’s got that ‘time of the month’ when things are a little unusual. So you either be there or walkaway.

Thoughts 28
Take the opportunity to notice and get to know the people around you, because you never know when the time will come and you thought “If only I knew him/her better.”

Thoughts 29
Say the things you wanna say, because you never know, you might never have the chance to say it again.

“Speak now or forever hold your peace”

Thoughts 30
Even a ‘giver’ wants to be ‘given’ sometimes when she runs low or out of magic powder.

Thoughts 31
One can have so much to give, but is still waiting for the right one to give it to.

“The right one will come when the time is right” can be an overstatement sometimes.

And yes I wanted to make it to Thoughts 31 to prove Thoughts 21. The human mind is a very unique and special thing to explore, don’t you agree?

The Dark R00M

2011-10-06T21:45:00.001-07:00

There lies a dark room, pitch black
A room so black and dark tat it looks very inviting
A room so black and dark tat u wished it had never existed
A room so black and dark tat it kills all sense of security
A room so black and dark tat it kills all sense of confidence
A room so black and dark tat makes u feel at ur most vulnerable
A room so black and dark tat it makes u lose ur sense of feel, or feel too much pain all at once
A room so black and dark tat once u r swallowed into it, u might not b able to come out
A room so black and dark tat it will change ur whole life, if it doesn't kill u first
…

Week 37.5

2011-10-03T14:45:00.001-07:00

37.5 is a prime number? Three days too late for a week’s submission but I’m breaking the rules for today, just for this oddly looking number. I thought I’d worked hard enough, stayed out of trouble and stay ahead of schedule. It paid off, with lots of overthinking, sleeping and directionless, only for the remaining 2-3 weeks before reality caught up. And what do I do? What do I tell myself?

“Hey you, it’s time to get back on track and pull up your socks” – as I was once too often reminded of in my younger days.

And NO!!! 37.5 is NOT a prime number. Laters all…!!!

Sneak preview on 38.5, sometimes the past catches up with you and reminds you of what happened and what didn’t.

Thoughts 19

2011-09-26T08:18:00.001-07:00

we started at Hello, paused at How are you, and ended in.... Silence...

Week 35.5 & 36.5

2011-09-24T23:05:00.001-07:00

Updates updates!!! Well nothing much to update actually. Mid term break came and went in a swift, didn’t even feel like a break because every day is pretty much a break or a busy day for me – same ol’ same ol’. What’s different? Apart from finishing all the assignments way before deadline, nothing else is different. Same shit different day. Here’s what I realized though, I am really really bad at picking group mates. I guess what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger? But I can’t help the short outburst especially when one is on the cycle.

A little bit longer and I’ll be done with the sem. Excited I am? Maybe not. Afraid of what’s ahead in the final sem and what’s after that. Yes I am.

Touch… Feel.. ♪♫♫♪♪♫♪

2011-09-24T06:45:00.001-07:00

There're songs that touch your heart the moment it plays

There’re songs that reminds you of the good old times, or bad

There’re songs that reminds you of some people

There’re songs that reflect your past

There’re songs that reflect your current

There’re songs that motivate you

There’re songs that make you happy

There’re songs that make you sappy

Songs flow to our mood

Songs remind us that we feel

And this song touched my heart,

reminded me of the good old times that was not so long ago,

reminded me of someone,

reflected my past and current…

and lastly it makes me sappy..

and reminds me that I feel too….

#Lil Wayne – How To Love ♫♪♪♫♫♪♫♫

Soundtracks

2011-09-24T06:28:00.001-07:00

Movie soundtracks…

every song in a scene is a message

every song in a scene sets the mood

every song in a scene plays with you feelings

every song in a scene makes you feel

the adrenaline rush….

the heartache…

the heartmelt..

and I succumb to the songs in every scene…

Her Name is Cassandra

2011-09-16T02:54:00.001-07:00

Another spiritual like dream? This time I was in an area, a housing area, a lodging place. And I don’t quite remember much about it only that I was suppose to stay there during a some sort of trip. I was forewarned that there might be visits from one called Cassandra, who was part of the history of the lodging place. Didn’t know much about its history but I did saw some hard covered books displayed on a shelf like in a bookshop with a portrait of a lady and the name Cassandra printed on it – don’t remember a family name printed there. Spooked?? Yes I was indeed but throughout the dream I didn’t give myself the chance to encounter this person and had forced myself to wake up even. What is the sign this time??

Can I ReTell the Story the Second Time?

2011-09-14T20:07:00.001-07:00

So I dreamt and hell was it disturbing. I even retold the story to a few people in my dreams, some of whom I can’t remember now that I’m awake though I tried really hard to remember while I was dreaming. And the story goes:

Dad bought a some sort of floating cabin that’s big and the interior somehow looks like our house. And we were all, extended family as well, living in it. Somehow in the cabin it was filled with water too, as weird as it may sound. From what I recall in my dream, earlier when I was outside the cabin I may have felt or seen something unclean though even in my dream when I was re-telling it I can’t remember what it was. And we – me, bro and dad were hanging in my aunt’s master bedroom and chatting away, each of us on a bed or something that allowed us to sit on it while the bottom of us was water. As we were chatting away, bro said he saw a kid, or TWO floating in the water. At first I thought he was joking and I waited, stared at the water. At first I saw a hoodie that was widespread and then it started to take shape of a body of a kid, then followed by another one who was bigger than the first kid. That’s when I left that room. Somehow I overheard my aunt getting angry at her luck, what being in a new home, what with the day that was nearing a special occasion that she had to put up with something that was this bad.

And then in my dream, after that part was the first time I had tried to re-tell my story to my mom of the first part when I saw or felt something that wasn’t right but I didn’t think I was able to finish my story. Somehow I ended up at another scene where I was on land again, this time, I was heading towards a gathering. It felt like it was a Sunday and I was at a place where everyone was involved in an activity or gathering on that day, and surprise surprise, so was I. So, I don’t remember what gathering I went to but in that gathering, I told my story again, though to a small crowd that I told to, a lady who was heading the gathering, and a friend of mine, they seemed to’ve lost interest in the story and I had a feeling they thought I made it up. But I finished my story anyways. Unfortunately I don’t remember what was the lady’s role in the gathering, and neither do I remember who was my companion but I remembered it was a she. End of that gathering, companion and I left together. She then said she wanted to go somewhere else and I walked alone in a crowded place, full of people everywhere, and it made me feel suffocated cause I don’t like being around crowds. So I made my way out of the field of people while watching the activities that they were doing or finishing off. There were people playing musical instruments and singing in the field, runners with numbers tagged on their shirt in blue colour – from team blue perhaps? and other people walking around to reach their intended destination.

And the next scene was in the toilet where it has somehow turned into a unisex one and I had to take a shower. The cubicle that I chose was already the second best cubicle while the best was already taken. I couldn’t lock the door properly and while trying to take a shower I peeked out to see if any guys were in the toilet (don’t ask me how I managed to do it, it was a dream and dreams can be weird sometimes), and I noticed a kid who came in who didn’t look like he wanted to use the toilet pee but more to peek on whoever was there. Next weird thing was I found myself wrapped in a shower curtain while trying to shampoo myself and looked at the kid just to make sure he wasn’t staring at me. The other girl in the best cubicle dropped something on the ground and had called out for the boy to pick it up and hang it over the cubicle for her, which he did. Right before she came out, the kid exited the toilet. The girl then told me that he’s always doing what he did, coming into the toilet, hoping to peek on chicks showering. And that’s when I ended the dream, or at least that’s as much as I had remembered. But what bothered me the most was the two bodies that I had somehow dreamt about, and why.

If it was to be about water, the water in my dream was calm therefore I guess emotions are under controlled. So here are a few interpretations of the dead body:

To dream of a lifeless corpse can represent a weakening state of a kind of death in your life that comes from devoting yourself to a miserable and lifeless routine. http://www.dream-dictionary.org/interpretation/dream_dictionary_d.html
Dreaming of a dead body or corpse is often connected to your happiness; unfortunately this dream indicates that you are going to have some difficult times ahead. The horror with which we entertain the thoughts of death, or indeed of seeing any dead body shows we have uncertainty of our approach to the future.

To dream that you are seeing more than one dead body foretells you will be cheated in some way by people, and to stop this you need to find sincere friends.

This dream also indicates a mind with innumerable apprehensions and suspicions….. http://www.auntyflo.com/dream-dictionary/dead-body
This dream symbol represents a former aspect or side of the dreamer that has changed. In other words, this is an old part of the dreamer that is no longer part of who the dreamer is. For this symbol to be in a dream, the dreamer would have some attention on how they USED to be in the past, and usually there's a need for the dreamer to give more attention to who he or she has BECOME and is BECOMING.
Read more: http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Dream_of_dead_body#ixzz1XzCKgafS

Yes seeing dead body has many different meaning and really, it is up to you to interpret it. And this wouldn’t be the first time I dreamt of death. And so apparently showering means I was cleansing something off, a burden of some sort perhaps; or showering someone with gifts and/or love (http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/s2.htm). But I was only shampooing my head then. And I did also had shower curtains covering my body cause the cubicle was not properly ‘secured’ and the shower curtain had miraculously popped out of nowhere. Here’s what it means: To see a shower curtain in your dream, indicates that you are not fully expressing your emotions. There is something that you are still hiding from others. Alternatively, the dream suggests that you are trying to protect those around you from your personal setbacks and emotional outbursts.

I guess somehow I’ve managed to re-tell the story again in real wake life though I may have missed out bits and pieces of details along the way. It’s not easy for the waking mind to remember stuffs that are deep down in the subconscious.

Week 34.5

2011-09-12T06:35:00.001-07:00

Another week has passed and just a few more weeks before the end of another semester. Doesn’t time pass that quickly? After a week of procrastination, I attended the final week of lectures before the break, not like it made much difference anyways. But I do know that I have one more paper pending before the end of the sem which I am eager to finish but will need to do it critically because it carries the majority grade of the whole unit. So yes, I am back to work, read read read and then write, send for review and hopefully all will go well.

Had a weekend away with friends, ROADTRIP!!!! Kudos to driving long distance for the first time, 5hrs journey south, then 5hrs south west n then 3-4hrs back north. Safe to say, I’ve covered southern part of the state and although the drive was not as scenic as I’d expected, at least the places we stopped were scenic and breathtaking. Only thing I couldn’t live without and felt an emptiness within was getting connected to the internet and a decent mobile network reception even to browse web for awhile. May have also gotten my first speeding ticket too, unfortunately. I’ll find out in the weeks to come, not that I’m eager to pay the fine.

What’s to look forward to after this?

Seeing Beyond

2011-09-06T09:51:00.001-07:00

It is just a shape if you say it is

It is just a trash if you say it is

It is just a tree if you say it is

It is just a picture if you say it is

But have you tried to look beyond the obvious?

Sometimes it is more than just a shape

Sometimes it is more than just a trash

Sometimes it is more than just a tree

Sometimes it is more than just a picture

Only if you look beyond the obvious

And give in to creative thinking

## P/s: I miss it

I Dreamt of Lice

2011-09-06T09:34:00.001-07:00

The dreams have been getting weirder and weirder. Signs that I have way too much time on hand? And too much time leads to too much thinking, and overthinking or is the subconscious still trying to send a message as it always does? So yes, I have dreamt of lice in my hair. Lice, a parasite and well does that mean someone is sucking the life out of me? There are many negative interpretations about lice and this is one of the many. Another says that I am to be prepared for some ailment. Beware beware!! Don’t say I wasn’t warned ahead of time right?

Week 33.5

2011-09-04T10:53:00.001-07:00

Another week has passed and this year I had actually taken the initiative to turn up for an invitation to an open house for a friend, for Hari Raya. Weird that it had to be done overseas and not while at home. Other then that it has been a quiet week and I’ve slept a lot, did my homework, procrastinated. I’ve dreamt stuffs, little mixture of this and that which I couldn’t quite explain myself. And a mixture of scenarios too, with no storyline.

There was once I dreamt of school and all the classmates were there, but it was like it was last day of school before the holiday began. And I was contemplating whether to walk home or to wait to be picked up although the weather looked like it was about to rain.

And another time I dreamt I was an accomplice to a robbery in a police station. To add to that, I was the one who opened the door for the people to come in, meaning I may have just been a copper. And it was a success operation and we were about to leave the scene but I didn’t get to finish that dream. And this too I was unable to interpret. Mixed feelings?? And definitely have been feeling that I have too much time in my hands that it’s making me a lil uneasy.

Thoughts 18

2011-08-30T02:59:00.001-07:00

Out of the randomness:

我认命。路是我选的。算了吧，就这样吧。。。。 – anonymous

Week 31.5 & 32.5

2011-08-28T00:22:00.001-07:00

It seems I have somewhat lost interest in updating weekly happenings. Or perhaps there’s just not much that’s happened except me being crazily busy and focused with work, and staying ahead of schedule which was very much satisfying although that came with a price – odd sleeping hours and disconnection from people, not that I have a good social life anyways. And I am hoping that things would be as smoothly as it’s been so far….

Thoughts 17

2011-08-23T11:13:00.001-07:00

i am foreign to the commons but common to the foreigns

as u r common to the commons and foreign to the even more foreigns

The Heart is as Cold as ICE

2011-08-22T22:30:00.003-07:00

Unusual to dream bout these stuffs, so I decided to put them on here.

As weirdly as it may sound, I dreamt that I was emptying and cleaning a mini fridge that I have “at home”. Probably not the first time dreaming bout fridge? I don’t know. But here’s what the dream interpretation sites have to say and the closest interpretation that I could come up with –

Cleaning represents me removing some negativity in your life and overcoming major obstacles. And it goes on saying that I am moving ahead toward a new stage in your life, though it’s vague cause I don’t see this coming. But here’s the interesting part, fridge represents my chilling personality and/or cold emotions and cleaning it, means some aspects of myself isn’t working or functioning as well as it should so it looks like I’m to root of a matter or situation. OR “It may also indicate feeling so negativity and inferiority. You feel stuck in some area of your life.” To add to the unusual, I think I probably dreamt about ICE too, a bag of ice cubes that I was packing into the plastic. Yes I guess this dream is all about being cold or perhaps I’m wrapping up the coldness? Who knows?

Thoughts 16

2011-08-21T00:50:00.001-07:00

"we only pay attention when it's to do with someone we care for.. otherwise it would've been ignored altogether" – myNarcissistSomebody

Thoughts 15

2011-08-19T02:09:00.001-07:00

A day apart is a tear in the heart.

*dedicated to… (you know who u r if u’re reading this *wink wink)

Thoughts 14

2011-08-15T23:09:00.001-07:00

U play only a small role in one's life...it is one n the ONE only that plays the biggest part in its life...unless the one says tat u do too…

Week 29.5 & 30.5

2011-08-14T03:26:00.001-07:00

Yes it’s been been, occupied with weekend classes and assignments, readings and writing papers. Justice needs to be served. And btw, got me gadget a day later than expected because the household person missed the delivery guy. Was frustrating and hard to get by the first few hours of getting used to the new gadget but eventually got accustomed with it. All things has been smooth so far, deadlines are met ahead of schedule. Unfortunately thoughts have been academically focused thus not much creative writing done.

Thoughts 13

2011-08-03T07:00:00.001-07:00

Only when you feel you are put in an uncomfortable spot, will you learn more through experiencing it and working your way through it.

*if I haven’t already posted this up.

My Special ONE

2011-08-03T06:48:00.001-07:00

you are the light to my shadow
you are the sun to my rain

you are the green to my red
you are the safe to my danger

you are the strength to my weakness
you are the smile to my sadness

i know you are there
but out of sight

i know you are there
but out of reach

but i know you will always be there
no matter where i go

and know that you will always be my special ONE

Week 28.5

2011-07-31T05:30:00.001-07:00

And I was reminded one year ago when I had insist that my birthday be kept a secret so there was no need to celebrate it. Well this year was different, and quietly good somehow. Dinner out on Saturday night, Italian cuisine, then a gift from sis at midnight (cute = ugly + adorable green dragon RUSS PEEPERS collection called Blaze), Skype with a buddy from home alllllll night long til early morning and wishes from people all around, far and far but close in the heart, to the heart.

So I did try to make the whole week a good one. Placed an order for my new gadget of the year, unfortunately it did not reach before Friday for me to enjoy it over the weekend – accepted the fact but it was a little disappointing with the delay. Am hopeful to receive it on Monday though prepared to not put high hopes and just wait for Tuesday. Just wished it was as quick as if I were to order it from home which made delivery time two times faster. Glad lectures went smoothly and so did work but assignments are definitely starting to pile up – fingers crossed, hopefully in time to complete them with quality presentation as well. And the caffeine has started to pick up too, testing the ultimate amount of hours of sleep for sufficient rest while providing enough time to read journals and do assignments.

Music Therapy

2011-07-27T21:44:00.001-07:00

Yes I have been meaning to write about music therapy, inspired from the book Sing You Home. Ever find yourself searching for the right song to fit your mood at that point of time? Or if a song would suddenly change you mood from sad to happy, and vice versa? That’s what music is all about, at least to me. We all do a little music therapy on ourselves whether you realize it or not. A happy song would make me feel happy and motivated when I’m upset. Or a sappy song to fit my sentimental sappy mood. And sometimes listening to a particular song, paying attention at the lyrics can also bring us back to old memories, good or bad. Here’s what I also know – different people react to different types of music and our brainwaves will show it all. Listen to slow music to fall asleep, moderate beat songs to calm the ‘soul’, loud music to stay awake or dance to it perhaps. Even the slightest sound of waves or the wind blowing, or the frogs singing its song after the rain, or the cricket sound, or the screeching sound of tyres – anything at all can be music to the ears, or annoy us. And music connects people, similar beats, even in a foreign language would attract its listeners.

“Music is all around us. All you have to do is listen” – August Rush

Week 27.5

2011-07-23T04:59:00.001-07:00

End of Week 1 and I welcomed it with open arms to caffeine towards the end of the week, not to mention of course the gastric and indigestion problems too now that eating hours are back to irregular schedule. Schedule for this sem looks a lil more hectic than the last but I think I’ll be able to handle it just fine. Work then class on Mondays, and two other days of classes with the same work schedule except for when there’s intensive classes on the weekends. Unlucky for me, one of the unit is run by a Japanese guy whose Japanese accent is so thick that I somehow thought I should’ve watched more anime(s) to familiarize with the accent. Yes the guy was practically speaking JAPLISH, sweat!!! And that’s the first time ever I can remember I’ve said “WHAT” to myself that many times in the 3hrs lecture with him. It was really a pain but I’m glad it’ll be all coursework based and no final exams. Have also started further discussion with supervisor on dissertation topic and making a point to go for a weekly meeting just so I progress. Will also help in writing the lit review for this sem’s Research Method unit. And thanks very much to a mate’s notes, I was able to work on class weekly assignments in advance. Met the crazy lecturer in the cafe, while I waiting for mate to grab notes and we chatted briefly. Again I’m reminded of the hard but worthy time spent for that one year of attending his classes and doing the assignments and weekly exercises which were heavy duty. Somehow I feel it has helped a lot in preparing me for this sem, hopefully.

Somewhat looking forward to next week, hoping for a good smooth week and honestly, a beautiful weekend. It would be the first that I am actually using an adjective to describe a weekend in advance. What’s to come? For me to know for you to find out. Am hoping to keep the excited spirit as long as it’ll last til after the weekend, even if it means not doing anything special. It’s been a couple of years since I felt excited bout it. We’ll see.

Thoughts 12

2011-07-22T10:28:00.001-07:00

Tips No 6. dont take on the problems of other ppl -- n i tried but i wouldnt b me if i didnt care...

Quote 24

2011-07-17T07:39:00.001-07:00

“Story of my life,” she replies. “Story of my life.” – now this feels like deja vu and put a big smile on my face.

Week 26.5

2011-07-17T06:34:00.001-07:00

Week 26th and still going on strong. The whole week was spent working and attending to stuffs while reading a book which was very much interesting. Like any other student I procrastinated research which I had wanted to do during the holidays in preparation for a dissertation which is not due til next year. And in that short week I had gone from wanting to get an iPad to reconsidering it again. Was head over heels for Russ Peepers collection too and got over it two nights later though I’d so love to have one sleepy eyed Peepers to hug to sleep. Even saw a few changes too, sad ones, happy ones, but life goes on, people forgive and move on. And with some things, when you fall out of routine, well, let’s just say it’s hard to get back to it, and somehow everything feels different – and it will never go back the same way.

Moving on as life goes on.

Thoughts 11

2011-07-15T07:34:00.001-07:00

Cant miss what you've never had cause you dont know what's it like to have and lose.

Thoughts 10

2011-07-15T05:40:00.001-07:00

An incomplete picture, but the latest of it,

and yet it can't be my wallpaper, because it is incomplete.

Thoughts 9

2011-07-15T05:32:00.001-07:00

Sometimes it's easier to speak to a stranger. The problem is that, once you turn your heart inside out for someone to see, the other person loses her anonymity. – Sing You Home

Week 25.5

2011-07-10T06:10:00.001-07:00

Quiet quiet and busy week. Glad that I had a good weekend trip with the girls which ended a little too soon. And came home to stomach cramp which had brought me to skip work the day after I got back. Had to watch my food too just when I didn’t have to any longer, since the trip had passed. The week passed quickly, results came out and all is well, bro turned legal, me soon to be a year marked in the calendar that I took this big leap and me turning age +1 again soon. And every else just felt like it was just yesterday but time passed so quickly.

Am I Neglecting Some Parts & Missing Some Parts?

2011-07-10T05:53:00.001-07:00

More dream interpretation, as usual there’s a story and I don’t quite recall what actually happened. But here are parts of what I remember about them.

As usual, never far away from emotions, I dreamt of water and this time I was avoiding having to step on the water. Is that me trying to avoid emotions? Or does it mean I’ve not been in touch with my emotions?

Dreamt of rain and lightning – To see lightning in your dream, signifies sudden awareness, insight, spiritual revelation, truth and purification. Alternatively, lightning implies a shocking turn of events. There are many forces governing your life that may be beyond your control and even destructive.

To see and hear rain falling, symbolizes forgiveness and grace. Falling rain is also a metaphor for tears, crying and sadness. Alternatively, rain symbolizes fertility and renewal. If you get wet from the rain, then it indicates cleaning from your troubles and problems.

To dream that you are watching the rain from a window, indicates that spiritual ideas and insights are being brought to your awareness. It may also symbolize fortune and love. – according to www.dreammoods.com

And the most distinctive dream I had which I’ve never had before was I dreamt of granny and grandpa, mom’s side. And in the dream they were both in the same room, happy vibes although they each had a person attended to them due to their old age and inability to move easily. I don’t quite remember grandpa and the old man didn’t quite look like him but granny was definitely granny. They were having a conversation and granny told grandpa jokingly “Don’t die on me”. It was a good humour and I knew deep down that they were both already deceased but I felt really happy to see granny. She reminded me of the times when I was little when she would buy junks and treat me stuffs that mom would never buy for me. Definitely remember the day when she brought me to the shops and bought me my first lion head one Chinese New Year ago.

Interpretation: If you dream of a person who has died a long time ago, then it suggests that a current situation or relationship in your life resembles the quality of that deceased person. The dream may depict how you need to let this situation or relationship die and end it.

To see your dead sibling, relative, or friend alive in your dream, indicates that you miss them and are trying to relive your old experiences you had with them. In trying to keep up with the pace of your daily waking life, you dreams may serve as your only outlet in coping and coming to terms with the loss of a loved one. – according to www.dreammoods.com

Or could it be as simple as they’re just trying to tell me that they’re happy wherever they are. But it’s the first that I’ve dreamt of them.

The Wanderer

2011-07-10T04:37:00.001-07:00

At home I am but not homely I felt

The streets I walk everyday but yet unfamiliar I felt

Surrounded by people but alone I felt

In a place I am familiar with but yet a stranger I felt

At work I was but a boring routine I felt

A path I choose but yet doubt my decision

Is there a home where I will feel belonged?

Is there a street that I will feel familiar?

Is there a crowd that I will feel welcomed?

Is there a surrounding that will make me fulfilled?

Is there anything that is not a routine?

Is there a path that I can be certain of?

Thoughts 8

2011-07-09T07:50:00.001-07:00

it was there all along
and i never noticed it
nor paid enough attention to it....

#selectiveattention

The Mind Permits What the Heart Disagrees

2011-07-08T06:09:00.001-07:00

The mind said to give in, but the heart disagrees with the plan

The mind said I forgive and forget, but the heart knows that it isn’t that simple

The mind said I am moving on, but the heart still carries a little longing

The mind said I can do it, but the heart doubts every word

The mind said I will do it, but the heart does it reluctantly

The mind said that it’s strong, but the heart knows that it isn’t

The mind said it’s for the best, but the heart knows something better or worse could come of it

The mind said to not risk it, but the heart desperately wants to take the leap

The mind said to accept it, but the heart does not want to stop questioning

The mind said to allow the body to be touched, but the heart peeks her every move

Theme Song from AM

2011-07-06T18:05:00.001-07:00

Woke with this playing in my head:

You must know me, I'm one of your secrets
You must know me, I'm one of your secrets
I belong to you
I belong to you
And you belong to me

7/7/2011

Theme Song from AM

2011-07-06T18:02:00.001-07:00

Woke with this playing in my head:

If only I could turn back time
If only I had saved what I still had
If only I could turn back time
I would stay for the night...

6/7/2011

U or Me

2011-07-06T07:46:00.001-07:00

We met by fate and I thought I’d never believe in such fate

They said have faith and believe that everything is fated

Do I believe it? Do you believe it?

I went left, and you were right

I was at south, and you were north

I was at stand, while you were on the move

But when I moved, you paced even faster

My day is your night, and your day is my night

I was the fire, but you were the water

You were the sun, when I was the moon

And only the eclipse shall you and I be us

We were always on opposite sides of the crossroads

Our paths will never cross but only travel in parallel

For the paths that we travel is fated

And I succumb to the fate that I’d never thought I believe in

For there will never be us, only you or me

Week 24.5

2011-07-06T04:58:00.001-07:00

Finally the awaited weekend came and passed with the blink of an eye. The week started of slow which was expected, but at least there was something to look forward to towards the end of the week. Got paranoid over an old injury and went to see the Dr at uni who claimed that it was probably because I hurt the “pinky finger” more seriously than the ring finger that it needs longer time to heal, ligament overstressed or so he said, if I remembered correctly. And memory serves me right, I hurt those fingers way in early May. For it to not heal even after a month and a half really isn’t good especially it being my ‘cutest finger’.

Was a good weekend spent with the girls, although we were short of one member. Villa was unexpectedly breath taking but we didn’t spend much time in the villa, at least not enough for me to spend more time in the pool or relax in the villa with its beautiful pool. At least it was quality time spent with them and lotsa ‘not so much’ catch up that we did. Called in masseuse on the first night, second day spent going around one of the town area to do some shopping (as usual I didn’t really buy much) then went to Ku De Ta which turned out to be quite luxurious and we ended up drinking a bottle of wine (me having to finish a glass was a YAY!!!) before we retired to the hotel. Third day was spent going around Ubud, eating local food (bebek and babi guling) and going to the temple before dinner at Jimbaran – beach setting with seafood served. Then we ended the night with a 1.5 hrs massage which was in a way better than the first night’s although I felt a little more harassed by the masseuse there. While we were at the temple, a monkey tried to grab my hair tie while I was engrossed in taking photos. Didn’t scream, neither did it scare me – too quick for me to react. However an Indian lady who was near me saw it and screamed – that scared me even more, allowing a little ‘skip’ in my heart instead of a ‘jump’. We hired a driver to bring us around which was more convenient and most people do that too. There were however taxis and bike taxis for rides or hire which neither of us were even keen on trying. The beach was awesome too, it was a very long stretch of beach, some private some filled with people and it was beautiful. As much as I’m not a water person, I’d like to come home and relax to a villa like the one we stayed in, and go to the beach like the one we saw, to admire the sunset and the night. I’d have to admit that I would so love it if we could’ve stayed longer; cover more places and spend more time together. And we were also planning for future trips which I’m definitely looking forward to and hope that we’ll be able to plan and make happen at least for the next 2 yrs.

The end of this holiday marks the mid of my semester holidays and soon I’ll have to go back to school and get busy again.

Week 23.5

2011-06-25T21:20:00.001-07:00

Quiet and lazy week. Yes it was, with lots of time for series, and a fail attempt to read some materials. More dreams but no ideas/inspiration flowing. Where has my muse gone? Has it taken a vacation or gone for good, or waiting to be awaken again?

Snippets of Here and There

2011-06-22T21:00:00.001-07:00

The more time I take to think, the more I can recall bits and pieces of my dreams. And there just seems to be a pattern, different dreams but all bring to the same or almost the same interpretation. Here goes nothing:

Remembered 1: I was home but there were visitors and I was not able to sleep in my room. After they left I was so glad that I could have my room back and well, was about to retire and went to the toilet when sis did some cleaning, sweeping sand towards a corner and some of the sand went into the toilet. So I turned on the tap to wash the sand away and somehow the water just kept rising. Yes I was calm, and gave way to the rising water, surprisingly, and I stood at some place near where the tap was as I watched the water filled what was now a pool. Right when I turned the tap off, I noticed the ground looked deep and there was no way I could put my feet down and walk out of the pool. So happened a friend of mine was there and she peeked in to see how deep it was, confirmed to me that it was way too deep for me and offered her hand. Yes it was definitely someone I know but I just can’t recall who. Took her hand and she and I both helped me swing myself towards the edge of the pool. I climbed out of it to another part of the pool which was not as deep but still considered deep for me because the water level was up to my chin that I almost swallowed water while walking/moving towards the edge where I would get out of the whole pool. The feeling I had while I was in the water was less edgy and more calm, again not how I would react normally when face with water that deep without support.

Remembered 2: I dreamt of vampires. Yes, them blood sucking creatures, beautiful, charming, seducing and yet dangerous. This time, I dreamt that they were seeking forgiveness and they were in a place somewhat like a church. And something told me that the place was filled with vamps. And I caught the sight of the priest as he had one of his followers knelt in front of him, a vamp who was seeking forgiveness. I looked at them for awhile, then noticed the priest was also a vamp and he had blood in his teeth, as though he had just fed. And that was totally the opposite of how a church would’ve been. It made me think that it was more like a dark kind of church. And I walked out with angry and despised feelings.

Remembered 3: I was in new sem in uni, first class for one of the unit and I had already missed the first 2 lectures. It was a lady lecturer and it looks like I chose a seat too close to her that I was asked to moved. While moving and waiting for class to get started, I saw my roomie in the same class too, and a senior from high school. What such coincidence?

Interpretation:

Water - To see water in your dream, symbolizes your unconscious and your emotional state of mind. Water is the living essence of the psyche and the flow of life energy. It is also symbolic of spirituality, knowledge, healing and refreshment. To see calm, clear water in your dream, means that you are in tune with your spirituality. It denotes serenity, peace of mind, and rejuvenation. To dream that water is rising up in your house, suggests that you are becoming overwhelmed by your emotions.

Swimming pool - To see a swimming pool full of water in your dream is lucky, symbolizing that you will find much happiness and pleasure in friendship, love and marriage. AND/OR To see a swimming pool in your dream, symbolizes relaxation, calmness, luxury and ease. You need to take a break. Alternatively, a swimming pool suggests that you need to acknowledge and understand your feelings. It is time to dive in and deal with those emotions. You need to cleanse yourself and wash away those past hurts.

Vampires – Refer to this here. And my feelings for it, well it just sounds like a combination of love and hate for the vampires.

Week 21.5 + 22.5

2011-06-18T05:08:00.001-07:00

It has been fun getting over another sore throat and taking long naps while trying to study, NOT. And that was how the first week was spent, either work, or staying home struggling to stay awake long enough to finish reading a chapter.

There’s a wedding in the family. Just saw some pics and was envious, wishing I was there too, to gather with the family and to dress up.

Encountered trojan problem from installing a keygen while trying to help a friend. Luckily dear lappy didn’t need to be formatted although I was already in the verge of doing so, but didn’t know how to use the backup DVDs that I created. Hah, yes I don’t know how to format my own lappy, well not yet cause I’ve fixed the virus problem and I don’t need to. Until then, the learning part can wait.

And the final week passed well, in a way. Final paper turned out OK, hopefully with a chance to pass the paper. But first day of bumming and I already got bored. I guess I’m just not used to bumming, yet. And hopefully will have time to do research for dissertation, choose a scope, topic.

Hoping to have the muse come back to me to write more. We’ll see.

The Listener

2011-06-16T06:05:00.001-07:00

Like every other human who has different characteristics, the world has many types of listeners. And they are:

1. The type who listens and does not give opinion nor make judgements.

2. The type who listens and says something to sooth you.

3. The type who listens and when asked for opinion, shares what they have in mind.

4. The type who listens and when asked for opinion, asks you in return “What do you think?”

5. The type who listens and when asked for opinions, gives you a few options but doesn’t tell you which to choose.

6. The type who listens and wants to know more by pushing you to tell.

7. The type who listens and gives opinion even when you don’t want nor need one.

8. The type who listens and agrees with everything you say – sounding very supportive.

9. The type who listens and remembers most of the parts if not everything.

10. The type who listens but hardly pays attention.

Now which type of listener are YOU?

Never Say “I’m Sorry”

2011-06-11T03:10:00.001-07:00

To say “I’m sorry” means you know you did something wrong.

To say “I’m sorry” means you feel bad for what you did.

To say “I’m sorry” means you regret what you did.

But to really MEAN IT is to promise that you won’t do it again,

Or don’t even say “I’m sorry”.

I do not Seek to be Understood, BUT I Seek to Understand

2011-06-08T19:31:00.001-07:00

With every action there is a reaction. I question, in my reaction, for there are things that I do not understand but wish to. Yes, questions to feed my curiosity but often gets me deeper into MORE questions and sometimes finding myself in dark alleys that are dead ends, or endless.

Ask wisely for once a question is asked, there is no way to take back the question or rephrase it unless the other side does not understand your question. Yes, very true.

Observe and wait, hoping to see if the answer pops up, is possible too – while asking yourself quietly. How long can you do that?

Make assumptions in hopes that one of the many assumptions you make is correct? Dangerous, plain dangerous because what you assume may be all wrong, and probably misleading too.

Which are you? At what situation?

Thoughts 7

2011-06-06T19:56:00.001-07:00

i seek to find
i seek to understand
but all i found is dead end instead

Week 20.5

2011-06-04T20:01:00.001-07:00

It feels like the time went fast, and yet so slow. 20 weeks here already without going home, that’s the first. Even last time I go back every 7 weeks when there’s break. Although now the time’s mostly filled with work work work and work. And study week’s ended, of course I’ve managed to finish the one and only pending assignment left, ahead of schedule. Though I really hope it’s the content that he’s looking for or I’ll be in big trouble. What’s left is a week of study for this paper, and my final “final” exam for the sem. Am looking forward to the holidays though a short one.

And there’s nothing much to write about. Haven’t had the chance to think about non academic writings. Hopefully some inspiration will come along the way.

Week 19.5

2011-05-29T07:50:00.001-07:00

A short entry it would be for this week as there’s not much to update. One more paper down, challenging and very subjective, but I’m glad it’s over. The paper was an open book exam though there wasn’t much to refer to the book anyways. Mostly it was of application of what we have learned in the class and on our personal experience, which was, as what I’ve said, very subjective. Hopefully, with fingers crossed I’ll be able to pass this unit. Three more weeks before freedom and the end of the semester. What’s left is an assignment and final paper for that assignment. And hopefully with enough time, and less procrastinating, the assignment will be able to finish on time and with quality as good or even better than the first.

Lost in a City

2011-05-24T21:31:00.001-07:00

Our subconscious does have a way of sending us a message but here’s one that I don’t quite get. So yes I did dream that I was lost in a city, where exactly I don’t quite remember. But in my dreams I got separated from my friends and was all alone. Had nothing but a few tens and my debit card. Got into a cab, told him to send me to a place that I named to him, then later on remembered that I was in a different state/place that does not have this place that I named to him. Not liking the dream and how lost and weak/vulnerable I felt, I forced myself to wake up. And I’ve considered not wanting to write about this but the thought of not interpreting it just bothers me. Bothers me even more after reading what it interpreted and again thought maybe I shouldn’t share but then I’m sure others would like to know what does dreaming bout “being lost” means so here goes what I found on the net:

Dreaming about being lost is very common and will usually occur when you are having conflict in deciding how to react in a situation in real life. In the dream you are trying to find your way out of an area – such as a forest, city streets, a large building, or other maze-like structure. http://listverse.com/2008/10/07/top-10-common-dreams-and-their-meanings/
Psychological Meaning: According to some psychologists dreams about being lost frequently symbolises the beginning of a new phase of life and expresses the anxiety of leaving behind the familiar. Your dream may also express your worries about having no direction to your life. http://www.dreamsleep.net/lost-dream.html
To dream that you are lost, suggests that you have lost your direction in life or that you have lost sight of your goals. You may be feeling worried and insecure about the path you are taking in life. Alternatively, you may be trying to adjust and get accustomed to a new situation in which the rules and conditions are ever changing. http://dreamcrowd.com/dream_dictionary/1806/lost

All in Fiction and Fantasy

2011-05-21T20:29:00.001-07:00

YES!!! All in fiction and fantasy. Maybe a little interpretation this time, but will definitely share what I can remember.

Part 1: Walking down the streets and saw a bunch of cops on bikes, in their white uniforms, riding and chasing after someone. And as I got a closer look at the cops, first reaction was SURPRISE!!! It was just them suits but more like invisible cops on bikes. And a few of them too. The more I saw, the more “used to” I got but “amazed” at the same time, thinking if it’s even possible to have an invisible cop, or was it more of a ghost cop. Somehow my dream had allowed me to take/steal two of those cops, as though they were packed in a suit (if you ever know what I mean or you’ll never know cause it was my dream after all) And because I did that, it’s somehow attract a group of vandals who were after the suits, “thinking they should have it because of its special features” (totally a dream of fiction and fantasy). And they started threatening the people at home while I hid behind the fish pond with the two suits. Took them awhile and a group of vampires heading our way to chase them away. When they finally left, all of us (I don’t quite remember who) went into the house to prepare ourselves for a battle WITH the vamps. Funny, weird and CRAZY thing was, I don’t know what got into me but I decided to hide my mobile phone in the washing machine which I had later on used to run a few towels in it “to use to fight the vamps” – yes I know, sounds ridiculous, like super ridiculous. And there were sticks and tools on every corner of the house, with sharp ends, for us to use in our fight. They only got as close to the outside of the house and that was all. “Can’t come in unless you’re invited” right? Yea I applied that rule in my dreams too. It was a big group though and we were definitely outnumbered although I would love to fight. And then they left to another place seeing as they were unable to get us, after waiting for quite sometime.

Part 2: Exams? What’s the twist? Vamps… Sounds a bit Harry Potter-ish in a way too. Few of us had to sit for exams in a dodgy hall, and then a friend of mine had to take something before the exams so she wouldn’t *I don’t remember what it was she wouldn’t….* and I had to take something to drink to for I don’t know what reason, which I did. But apparently my other friend needs a little more calming down and somehow I was the one who picked her up like a baby (despite me being small and I was surprised that I was able to pick her up) and just cuddle her to safety, while waiting for time to sit for the exams. And as expected, MY mind clearly didn’t want to put me in an exam situation that just when most of us have taken our seats, a guy came up to the front of the hall and was looking for two people, one of them happened to be ME (most wanted on the list? – told you it was like Harry Potter only with vamps and no magic). So it was time to go, and we made our run, from a one-storey building, a group mate who was suppose to make a jump couldn’t because she was afraid of heights. We were apparently suppose to jump and someone would swing over to come and get us, and chances of not catching us a the right timing was there, so I guess that’s why she didn’t jump. I ran towards her, grabbed her and made a jump down one storey high to the next building where we were suppose to gather – and I thought maybe that’s why I drank the liquid too, to give me power (LOL). And the guy who came up on the front of the hall earlier caught up with us, that’s when the dream does not know whether to register that guy as an enemy or an accomplice, and somehow has discarded that character seconds later. The group was gathered at the first floor of the building and the dream ended there – hanging.

No idea why this time it’s all about vamps. I guess allowing myself to sleep more and after reading chapters on creative thinking and ideation, the mind just decided to explore the parts that have been pushed aside after so long. So here’s what I’ve found:

Invisible person – represents unresolved issues or feelings regarding that person, and that I feel they don’t pay enough attention to me. But an invisible cop? Does that refer to someone who’s suppose to give me a feeling of security or someone whom I feel secured with but don’t know who yet?

Washing machine – to dream to have used one symbolizes unresolved issues of the past that I have to face and get over with in order to be able to make a clean, new start for myself. Don’t I always have dreams related to the past and unresolved issues? It’ll always be endless issues from the past that are not resolved. I suppose relating it with my mobile phone probably means something very important because I can’t go without the mobile phone.

Exams – fear of failure. So conjuring a man to hunt us just before the exams begin just mean I didn’t want to sit for it and find out if I was going to fail? And running was better than having to sit for the paper. Nice!!! Creative huh….

Vampires – to see one, but in this case MANY though none of them attractive, but more like scary, symbolizes seduction and sensuality, as well as fear and death. Here’s the interesting snippet from the site I got “The vampire represents contrasting images of civilized nobility and aggression/ferocity. It may depict someone in your waking life whose charm may ultimately prove harmful. Deep down inside, you know that this person is bad for you, yet you are still drawn to him or her. Vampires also sometimes relate to decisions about sex and losing your virginity. Alternatively, to see a vampire suggests that you are feeling physically or emotionally drained. The vampire may also be symbolic of someone who is addicted to drugs or someone in an obsessive relationship.” And on the other hand, “To dream that you are a vampire, signifies that you are sucking in the life energy of others for your own selfish benefit” – which I obviously did not dream of though I think I had special powers. And if only I had slayed one it would mean “… that you will successfully cope with enemies and rise to an eminent position”.

Super powers – indicates growing confidence, self-esteem and increasing skills. Very general interpretation and can mean many things but at least there’s one positive thing here in all that craziness.

Don’t I miss dreaming about things? Why do we stop with the impossible thoughts in real life? Because we are faced with problems, and spend too much time sitting on it that we forgot to think of how these fantasies can somehow send a message to us on how to resolve problems. Don’t I just love reading the problem solving textbook.

Week 18.5

2011-05-21T01:33:00.001-07:00

An end of yet another week, aka Week 11 of school week. That means by now I’ve already sat for two final papers – held in a day, and it was NO FUN!!!, despite the full 6 hrs sleep I got and trying to wake every hr for the last 2hrs of my sleep which turned out to be a fail after all. And not to mention that I’m glad I didn’t, somehow, because the afternoon paper kinda sucked big time. Why do I say that? Only because all the answers had to be head cracked from last semester’s study materials and stuffs from work, gotta thank them for making me do the security presentation every month to the newbies, LMAO. And well the day when I had important stuffs to do, like going to class or like THE EXAM, it had to rain. Walking to the train station on a rainy day is FUN!!! With an umbrella that I don’t quite know how to use and do not like to use one at all, and a walk to the train station, walking as far away from the road as possible to make sure I don’t get splashed at was indeed one hell of an experience and a funny one too. And I thought getting a ride to school for exam day at 9am was gonna be a plus 1 for me but it turned out otherwise. The rain hadn’t help much, and the fact that I’m not the one driving made it even worse because I was looking at the time like practically every 2 minutes. I did still reach on time before the paper started but I just don’t like to feeling of nervousness and wobbly legs. To add to it, I was so into deep thoughts while I was walking that I didn’t notice a lecturer walking at the opposite direction until he called me and I think he did it on purpose to snap me out of my thoughts. And a kid from home also came up to me to say hi although at first she was doubting it for she said I looked so serious. It took me awhile to register who she was and it was the most awkward few seconds of me trying to say something to her and at the same time recall WHO she was. Well I definitely know her OK, and given anytime of the day and not that Friday, I would’ve spoken to her a little longer and asked what she was doing. Just that I was caught in thoughts of the papers and stuffs, and I felt bad.

So I have 2 more final papers and an assignment pending. Was able to only briefly touch on the assignment because it kinda requires lots of reading to cover one section to write on and I figured exams come first cause I need to at least pass the papers. Might spend more time on it the following week after pushing preparation for Thursday’s paper, an OPEN BOOK one, yet again. And the tips are presented in hard copy materials with past year papers too.

Walk under the rain? Yes fun if you have a hoodie and not an umbrella to hold on to. Don’t bother bout getting wet at the pants and the shoes (gotta get a new pair that’s not canvas). What’s not fun is when you’re walking at the opposite direction of the rain cause that’s when the rain hits your face and you only wished you had a shield or something. All in good fun, crazy thought but fun.

And what’s new at home is I’ve discovered that the ex-boss has got a secondment to another country for the next 6 months and it has been confirmed. Good for him, FINALLY he’s getting experience outside of his small little box. And dad told me he’s going and also my ex-colleague told me that she’ll be covering for him. I thought to myself, if I stayed on, most likely I’d be the one covering for him. With pay raise? I doubt it but definitely FUN!!! with more exposure to meeting people and learning how to manage a F-ing whole branch. But here’s the thing, I chose not to stay, I chose to leave. Although I never stopped wondering what if I did stay and always scratch that thought out because I so do not wanna be cleaning his mess when he leaves. Again I will always remember what he said to me the day I submitted my letter of resignation. The questions he asked trying to convince me to stay and well also saying that “one day I will be expected to sit his place when he leaves” which had certainly brought me to ask him literally “when will that be”. Of course he couldn’t answer me then, and I wasn’t gonna turn back on my decision, so I had to play him that move. LOL deep down inside me though again I would probably make the youngest section head although the ladder is still way too high for me to climb from a junior executive a year back to a managerial level. Even when they recruited me as Team Leader for Operations, it was a surprise to some people that I was a fresh grad but I guess the advantage I had was the fact that I’ve worked there before during my internship and I know my way around some of the stuffs and the people there. It’s been a year now, not exactly but almost and I’m reminded of my hard and fun times at work and how much I miss it. And further hmmm to the wishful thoughts of a young and ambitious kid. The IF(s) in life that we can’t do about because we took the other road.

Somehow I just have the feeling that despite me not being happy with what turned out to be earlier, actually had a reason for its turning out like that in the first place. And I guess with all the stuffs that didn’t turn out good, and all the other decisions that I made after that, all happens for a reason and I may not see the outcome now, yet, but hopefully I live long enough to see the good stuffs. A friend asked me what do I expect in life, and I said stability and security. And I told her everyone has expectations, at the very least they have to have something that they want in life. And I also asked the very same question to another friend, and she only replied one word, one word that got me thinking, and kinda got me to stop thinking about what I expect in life for a moment, and that word is – happy.

And here’s a quote to share that I find it very meaningful, was presented by a classmate during our final presentation for the project, one by Albert Einstein, for the people who think they’re smart but no offense, you’re not, and neither am I (especially ME, I do not claim the status ‘smart’):

“I am not smart. When there is a problem, I just spend longer time than other people.”

Quote 23

2011-05-18T01:00:00.001-07:00

No matter how bad things go, always try to take the high road… Cause you know you’re better than that

After the Rain

2011-05-17T20:52:00.001-07:00

I feel like a (kid) once again

Like a kid who’s just seen the (rainbow) for the first time

As I walked, as I ran pass the (greens) with raindrops

And watch the (sun) shine on it

It sparkles like (diamond)

Such a beautiful sight

And I wished I could see it (everyday)

For the beauty of (nature) always calms the thoughts.

Thoughts 6

2011-05-17T09:30:00.001-07:00

Sometimes the mind is a dangerous place to lose yourself. – Frieda Klein, Psychotherapist. (Blue Monday)

Thoughts 5

2011-05-16T11:59:00.001-07:00

Sometimes people tend to forget, and that’s when you know you’re suppose to remind them of it – the What(s), Why(s), Who(s), When(s) and How(s)…

To Live and Die with Dignity

2011-05-16T04:26:00.001-07:00

Yes, assisted suicide in Swiss? Should we have the rights to decide when we wanna die instead of waiting to be called at our death bed? Often I think everyone should have their rights to everything but this matter is somehow a grey area. Have they always had that regulation a long time ago? Maybe it is time I consider going to Swiss too. What’s the requirement? You have to stay there at least 1 year to be eligible for that rule to apply on you.

If you were to die tomorrow, would you have said that you have lived life to the fullest? Have you experienced all that you want to? Done all the things that you want to? Make wrongs where you made rights, make rights where you made wrongs? They say, live everyday as if it is your last day – well it just means live everyday to the fullest, you can’t expect to do all the things you listed you wanna do before you die in that one day. What if you did and then you don’t have any other things else, is it then time for you to go for you have fulfilled ‘your mission’ in life? And I remember clearly to write a will everyday as though it was your last day alive – and stupid of the person to tell that to a kid I was then.

I say it’s all written in the book, and I call it the BIG BLACK BOOK. It has everything about us, when we’re born, to whom we’re born to, how we’d live, how things would go for us, whom we’ll meet, whom we’ll only pass through, what we’ll be, and definitely… DEFINITELY when is it time for us to go, and how will we go. I don’t suppose that includes the ‘assisted suicide’ there though but who knows. Because even I have never seen the book. Have you?